Today was my due date... the day we were supposed to meet our little boy. Instead we said our hellos and goodbyes four months ago. It feels like just yesterday and forever ago, all at the same time.
I have felt so sad and anxious about this day, and yet I think a little part of me knew from the beginning that it was never meant to be. Maybe it was mother's intuition. Most of what should have been happy moments from my pregnancy were overshadowed by an overwhelming anxiety that something was wrong. On the triploidy message boards I read, many mothers wrote about how hard it was to realize they weren't going experience all the events they had already envisioned: meeting relatives, birthday parties, etc. I was different; I could never picture anything beyond this day. I feel cheated out of a happy pregnancy, robbed of time with my baby.
We visited Nolan at the cemetery today and left some daylilies from our garden. I wore this Tiffany heart charm engraved with an "N" from Dan's parents, which always makes me feel a little better when I'm particularly sad and lonely. We also planted a new serviceberry tree in the front yard with money from my parents. They have a "Grandpa" tree in their backyard (a gift from their friends when my mom's dad passed away), and now we have a "Nolan" tree as a little memorial.
I have bad days and good days, and this is a bad one. However, the majority of days are much happier, and I do have lots of fun things to share from the last couple weeks. Hopefully a much cheerier post will be published soon.
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